On Friendship
one statement that I came up with and that never fails is when I tell them, “they are still learning to be a friend”.
As a mom of a 5-year-old and 7-year-old I feel like I am constantly taking on the role of the friendship police. It is usually in the form of me interrupting one of their playdates to help them and/or their friends with properly expressing themselves so that an issue can be resolved in a kind way. Or it happens in the form of advice giving, usually at bedtime when all of their little battles from earlier in the day resurface. One of my boys will be closing his eyes and all the sudden will blurt out something like, “I love you to the moon and back mommy and today on the playground Steven told me he wouldn’t be my friend anymore if I kept playing tag with Jared and Sarah.” I then brainstorm with him on ways to best handle this the next time it comes up until he drifts off to sleep. And round and round we go.
Friendship is such a tricky thing to navigate and fully comprehend at such a young age. There are times where our talks seem to be going over their little heads or in one ear and out the other. Often times I find myself overthinking what is simple child’s play, the same nonsense that I dealt with as a kid and without much guidance from my parents or teachers, but I stick to my crazy ways of turning each experience into a lesson in the hopes that it will eventually click and that my sons will grow up to be good friends to their friends. The other goal is that they, in turn, will learn to surround themselves with good friends who will treat them with the same love and respect.
Still, like most parent/child conversations I don’t always have the perfect answer but one statement that I came up with and that never fails is when I tell them, “they are still learning to be a friend”.
This is something I started saying to my boys when they started preschool, around the age of two. Whenever they brought up issues of friends hurting their feelings with hurtful words or hurtful talk like the “I won’t be your friend anymore” threat or if they physically hurt them by pushing, punching, kicking, throwing things at them or biting (yes all of these things happen in preschools everywhere), I would always hug my boys and remind them that ALL kids are good kids, but that they are all still learning how to be a friend.
I would drill in the concept that being a good friend takes practice, like learning how to ride a bike or play basketball. You have to work on being a friend to get good at it.
My boys seem to understand this and they seem to like the idea of working to become better friends to others.
Conner celebrating his friend’s 7th birthday. They met in junior pre-nursery when they were 2 -years-old and have been friends ever since.
By definition a friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection. Simply put, friendship is not just a closeness with another person, is a two-way street. In the example I gave earlier Steven on the playground seems to be that clingy friend who craves all of your attention and wants to call all the shots. This is common on the playground in our elementary school years but what about in our adult lives?
As adults, maybe we aren’t chucking wooden blocks at each other, but have we yet mastered the art of friendship or are we too “still learning”?
I feel like my childhood and early adulthood years I was working so hard on making good friends and being a good friend to others and now that I am in my upper thirties, I am finally able to stand back and analyze my friendships and see them for what they truly are. What I found was that real friends, the good friends are actually very rare.
So when I tell my boys that they and their friends are still learning how to be a good friend what exactly is the end goal? What makes someone a good friend?
I can think of 6 things:
They show up for you.
They care about you without any ulterior motive.
They honest-to-god like you.
They want to see you happy and at your best.
They feed your soul.
You do all of the above for them.
Numbers 1-5 are basic and I have learned the true value of each of them time and again. People form patterns, when times get harder and things aren’t so fun the same friends will continue to show up for you. You just have to recognize this pattern.
Never ignore the angels in your life.
It’s number 6 that was the hardest for me to learn and accept—the face that it has to be reciprocated. Here’s how I see it, if you are constantly the one reaching out to a friend, showing up for a friend, initiating plans with a friend, and your “friend” is taking and taking but no longer does the same for you in return, this isn’t a friendship. What might have started out as a “mutual affection” over time might fade and become one-sided.
There is no fight, no “falling out”, you’re just two people who are no longer actively friends, and that is okay. The sooner you can recognize these false friendships the better. And by the way I do believe that some times these friendships can be “re-activated” too.
You can eliminate the empty promises, the “yeah, let’s grab lunch some time” talk where you walk away knowing that the lunch is never going to happen or maybe it will happen but only because of your efforts and once it happens you will go another crazy length of time before the next one. If it feels like a force to make time for someone, let it go. Make plans with someone who wants to rearrange their day to sit with you and enjoy your company.
Some people are really good about prioritizing their time and recognizing who their true friends are. My husband for example is an expert at this. You’re either worth his time or you’re not. It sounds mean but it actually is a sign maturity I think. The older we get the more we realize just how little time we really have and all the sudden our “free time” becomes so precious to us. This is why I see nothing wrong with being selective about who I spend my time with and cutting ties with those who aren’t being a good friend to me or who show no signs of eventually being a good friend. We should all be intentional about how we spend our time and we need to be honest with ourselves too. There is always room for kindness. There are plenty of nice people out there, there are plenty of people who you will get along great with, but very few will make the time to really be a constant in your life. I mean how many real friends can one actually have at this stage in our lives?
I am happy to share my smile with the world, but my whole heart only with a select few.
Making lemonade from lemons with my bestie Simone. This was taken of us two summers ago, when she insisted on taking in me and my whole family (yellow lab included) to ride out Hurricane Irma together.
As a child and as a young adult I wanted so badly to be liked and accepted by everyone. I had a deep desire to always be included, to be picked first, to be the favorite. Now the closer I get to turning 40 the more I realize the importance of those I choose to surround myself with and to share my time on this earth with. I now realize that it’s impossible to be everyone’s favorite, it’s impossible to be liked by all and it’s impossible to be a good friend to too many. It is a shift in perspective for sure, but now when I am excluded from gatherings, I have a new understanding and appreciation for it. I am no longer offended or hurt. I choose to believe that mindful adults aren’t excluding me to be mean or hurtful, like a child, they are simply being more selective about who they are including and that I can totally respect and relate to. It’s all about making the most of our time and focusing on the quality of our friendships. The sooner we all learn to be a good friend, the sooner we will grow together, and as individuals.
