Out of the Office
This is the year that I go back to my roots and to doing what made me feel fulfilled
long before I became a mom.
This particular memory from five years ago popped up on my Facebook newsfeed this morning and immediately brought a wave of emotions. Hudson was only 3 months old at the time and I returned to work from my 12 weeks of maternity leave. I remember my older coworkers being spiteful that our boss was allowing me, and only me, to work from home because they felt like they put in more time and were more deserving of this "luxury". I remember my younger coworkers who were fresh out of college without a family of their own being jealous because they too felt they should be able to work in their pajamas and "live the good life". These photos, although adorable, were taken during a very challenging time for me. I had been working from home since Conner was born (so two years prior to Hudson's birth) and yet it didn't get any easier.
When I returned to working full-time after maternity leave for each of my boys, I experienced the same thing...no one seemed to care that I was a mom.
I say no one cared but maybe it's more that no one understood. On the inside sales floor at the Miami office my older coworkers with families to provide for were all men and my younger coworkers were all too young to really get what I was going through. Like most things in life, if you haven't gone through it yourself you really have no clue.
After countless conversations, in August 2018, Joe and I made the decision that I would leave my job before the end of the year. The timing was right, he was working his tail-off as a young attorney, who four years prior had made partner at his firm. Joe was now not only forming a strong team of his own and trying cases in the courtroom but he was traveling more than ever, trying to bring on new business. It felt like the more demanding his job became, the more I had to scale back with mine and just focus on our family. I started to wrap things up with my clients, many of which I had been speaking to almost daily for the past13 years. I gave my 2 weeks’ notice at the end of September and the minute I did I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.
I’ll never forget sitting down in the office with my boss, Dan, and saying to him “I am going to tell you something that will probably come as a big surprise to you”. To which he said “you’re pregnant!?” We both laughed and then I said, “nope, not that, but it is about my family. I want to be home with my boys full-time and I am giving you my 2-weeks notice today.” He was a bit surprised but certainly not shocked by this.
I remember he stood up from his chair and gave me the tightest hug and told me he didn't blame me for making this tough decision, that he knew my heart was at home with my family. He told me my boys were the luckiest to have me for their mom. I cried. A LOT! It was a sweet moment that I will never forget.
Going back a bit, there was a lot of turnover in the inside sales office in 2017 and around Thanksgiving time Dan had asked that come January I return to the office full-time to help with all the new hires. No more working from home. I would hold weekly sales meetings to help the newbies catch on to our forever changing roles in the healthcare industry and to also help boost the morale of our sales team as a whole. It was a fair request for me to return to the office after my 6 years of being remote (which at first was only a trail run for 3 months tops). In all honestly, I was surprised that it hadn’t come up sooner. In some ways working from the Miami office alongside coworkers was better for me than working remotely—I liked the sense of being a leader, I liked the break from being home all day, I liked being surrounded by adults for a large portion of my day and I liked not having a target on my back as the exception to the rule. But in many ways, being back in the office presented even more challenges with my coworkers being resentful towards me and my boss. I still had a pretty flexible schedule, I would come into the office late each morning after dropping off the boys at their schools, I would take my lunch hour at 3:00PM each day to pick up the boys from school, race them home, and then set up my computer from my home office and log back into Kronos and Distrack and CRM and all the crazy out-of-date systems we had! I would then complete my day from home--which again was upsetting to everyone at the office. On top of that, I was still considered an hourly employee and because I had missed too much time with the school drop-offs and pickups, I ended up having to work later days to make up the full 8-hour work day. Fun times for sure!
That all being said, at the end of each day I didn't feel any better about myself or my situation. I didn't feel like I was mom of the year or employee of the year, or wife of the year for that matter.
I would put on a good face for my coworkers--I was the first to dial-in for meetings, the first to reply back to our company's instant messenger or emails, just to show them that I was always at my desk and available. Despite these efforts, and yes, my sales numbers staying at the top of the dashboard month after month, I felt defeated. I felt like as much as I wanted to do it all and have it all, I was failing in some way EVERY DAY.
Such a tough time. We were packing up our house to move with a two year old and a one month old. Lots of wine and lots of pumping required!
The truth is, these photos, like all photos ever posted on social media, are just a snapshot of a moment in time.
These weren't my reality as a working from home mom...the happy smiling baby sitting beside his mother, playing with her headset, while she diligently works. Nope, the collage of photos at the top of the page were taken after nursing Hudson in my office, while muted on a conference call, while checking emails from customers, while entering orders, while trying to unmute my headset to chime in on the conference call to voice my opinion (because everyone expected me to, because that's what I was known for prior to having kids) while trying to keep the baby quiet. It was an exhausting act to keep up with and a few minutes later he was removed from my room to return to our awesome nanny. *SIDE NOTE- none of this would have been possible without our nanny who worked the same hours I worked each day. I felt the need to point this out because shockingly some people actually think it’s possible to work with a real live baby as your co-worker. It’s not. You need help.
Home office takeover by Conner and our yellow lab Albert. I don’t know what’s more overwhelming, my needy two-year old here or all of the documents I kept on my desktop!
Even with help and with a more flexible schedule working from home was no walk in the park. I was expected to perform at the same level that I had performed at for the 6 years prior to becoming a mom. That level was at the very highest tier of our commission structure with the highest goals in the company. My boss made it clear that I was an exception to the rule and because of this if I was going to be allowed to work from home, I needed to prove to the team that I could do it seamlessly. Translation: if my outbound sales call numbers took a dive, if my sales numbers slipped even if just for a month or two, he would have the right to bring me back into the office full-time.
I was willing to accept this challenge presented to me for two reasons:
I wanted to pave the way for the younger girls who would one day be in my position and hopefully have this same opportunity to work out of their homes with their babies.
I wanted more than anything to be home with my boys as much as possible....even if that meant with the home office door locked and the baby with our nanny in the other room 95% of the time.
I just needed to be there and available to my children as much as possible. I attribute this need to losing my mom at such a young age. I by no means think this is normal, nor do I think that those who are full-time “working moms” should be doing this or thinking this way...just wanted to state that.
I've been "out of the office" for a year and 3 months now...and I finally feel like I have a pretty good handle on things in my home and personal life. I find myself feeling excited and ready to take the next step. Not saying I want to start working quite yet (I don’t have the working bug)…but I do want to start working on something that’s meaningful to me. That was always the missing part in it all. I was in pharmaceutical sales not because I was passionate about it or because it was my life-long dream. I assume, like most who are in sales of any kind, I fell into it because after college I had no clue what I wanted to do and sales seemed like something I would be good at.
Hearing interviews of Kobe Bryant speaking about how important it is to do what you love, struck a chord with me. I finally feel like I am living the life of my dreams. My husband gave me the greatest gift of all last year, the gift of time.
I can be truly present for my family now. I can give them my all and that alone is fulfilling to me at this point in my life. I have never made a new year’s resolution but I do plan on doing more of what used to make me happy. I used to write all the time, I used to paint on canvas, I used to go on long bike rides. I used to make gorgeous flower arrangements just for fun. I used to write short stories in my creative writing classes in college and be so excited to have them critiqued by my professor and my peers. Not really sure where I am going with this but I guess it's to put it out there to the universe that 2020 will be my year.
This is the year that I go back to my roots and to doing what made me feel fulfilled long before I became a mom. I challenge all the other moms out there to do the same.
Even if you aren't in the same position as me and your time is super limited. Try to carve out some time for yourself. Finish that book you started on vacation last summer and never got to finish because life got in the way. Revisit that old hobby or sport that you used to love so much as a child. Sit outside with a notepad and just write; write and see what you end up saying. Life is right now.