Being a Motherless Mom These Past 7+ Years
My mommy holding me in my grandparent’s pool. Summer of 1983.
November 22, 2013
Trying to gather my thoughts and put my feelings into words as I remember my mom on the 21st anniversary of her passing. I started thinking of her at 5am when Conner woke up crying with a cold. As I held him in my arms and nursed him I stared at his sweet face and thought about how fleeting these moments are. This little boy of mine will one day be all grown up. The days of him crying out for me and me rocking him back to sleep will not last forever. He won't even remember this sweet moment that we just shared. I think of all the moments my mom must have had like this with Lori and me as babies and then as young girls.
I think of several great memories from my childhood with my mom and how she must have had so many more memories from mothering us...moments that I can't recollect because I was too young, but that are tucked away deep down in my heart.
I think of what a fun childhood I had and how I wouldn't have changed a thing. It was such a great time in my life because I had great parents who made it that way. My mom loved to take the best pictures of Lori and me and that explains why we have so few of her. We were her world and the love she had for us is captured in every single photo album she made for us. We never took family videos but there is one video from my cousin Karen from a summer trip we took together to Maine. It is one of my most treasured items as it has footage of Lori and me interacting with our mom. Watching myself as a little girl reaching my arms up into the air and calling for my "mommy" and her racing to grab me brings me to tears every time I watch it. I am 31 years old now and I would give anything to reach my arms up into the air and have my mom come and hold me.
My beautiful mom, Linda.
Those little moments are what I miss most. Just the feeling of my mother's love. There is nothing like it. Losing her when I was only ten years old (she being only 42) I have learned to make little moments count and I have learned just how precious each day is.
I make it a point to write even the smallest of details down in Conner's baby book, knowing some day I will be gone and those words will bring him a sense of comfort. I take 1000s of photos with him and of him so he can relive these moments and remember me as I am today. I take videos so that someday he can hear back my voice and remember the sound of me saying his name. My mom has taught me just how sweet life is and sadly, just how short it can be. I miss her deeply and I take so much comfort in hearing others memories of her. It's a testament to her character how every single person who knew her tells me how great of a person she was and how her glass wasn't just half full but that it was over flowing. She had the best outlook on life. She was so positive, even while battling breast cancer. She was so strong and so brave. I live to make her proud and I can only hope to be as beautiful, as selfless and as graceful as she was as both a woman and as a wife & mother. I am so proud to be my mother's daughter. ️
My parent’s wedding day. Love their smiles.
November 22, 2018
26 years ago today I said goodbye to my mom. I kissed her head and I told her I would love her forever. That promise couldn’t be more true. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, feel her presence in some way, see her spirit within my children and miss her deeply. A memory came to me yesterday as I was opening the shutters in our living room. I remembered being a young girl and waking up extra early one morning and tiptoeing downstairs to find my mom opening up the curtains to the bay window in our living room. It was maybe only a few minutes or seconds but I remember it so vividly. I watched as she opened the curtains and greeted the new day. She had a look of pure delight and yes gratitude on her face. Always so happy to be alive. To have one more day with us. I had forgotten about that moment until now and these little memories that get triggered this time of year are such a gift!! I miss my mom terribly but each Thanksgiving I can’t help but feel a stronger sense of gratitude than grief. I have so much to be thankful for, my loving husband and two sons who are my heart. Thankful to be hosting another Thanksgiving with dear family members and carrying on special family traditions on this day. Thankful for my sister, Lori Baralt who is my best friend. My dad who is, thank god, still alive and healthy and with me for every holiday. My mom’s cousin Karen May-Snyder who reminds me SO much of my mom, that selfishly I just like to call on days like today to hear her voice and take comfort in her words and memories of growing up with my mom. And my girlfriends!! Thank god for girlfriends. My mom knew that girlfriends were the secret sauce in life and she was so right. Love all my girls and the light they bring to my days!! My heart is so full.
She is in the greenest parts of my eyes and the tips of my eyelashes that sweep my children’s cheeks each night as they lay in bed begging for one more butterfly kiss.
She’s everywhere for us.
August 18, 2019
Happy 69th birthday to my mom in heaven. Some years on this date I have so much to say and some years I am at a loss for words. The one thing that never changes is the missing of her and the longing for her. I found this old photo of my mom and I can’t stop staring at it. She was just so beautiful. And more than that, she was the kindest person I’ve ever known. And more than that she was my mom, my world, so to me she was magic. Every single motherless daughter (or son) knows the depths of their mother’s love. The distinct feeling of their mother’s love. It’s a love that cannot be described adequately in words but can only be felt deep within their hearts for the rest of their lives. She is with me and a part of me always. She is in my voice when we hop into the car and I announce to my two boys, my world, “and we’re off like a herd of turtles”. She is in my silly facial expressions and dance moves throughout the house. She is in the greenest parts of my eyes and the tips of my eyelashes that sweep my children’s cheeks each night as they lay in bed begging for one more butterfly kiss. She’s in the songs I sing to them. The stories I share with them. The laughter that comes with dinner time shenanigans. She’s in every ugga mugga. Every hand squeeze. Every wink. Every embrace. Every booboo kissed. She’s in every orange butterfly we spy. She’s everywhere for us. 🧡🦋🧡🦋
Spotted this “grandma Linda” butterfly while we were at Disney World with our boys, summer of 2017.
November 22, 2019
Taken of my mom and me at my school’s picture day, 1991.
On the 27th anniversary of my moms passing I spent today pretty much like any other day. I got the boys to school, I ran errands, I had a wonderful talk with my sister, and after school I got to watch Hudson play soccer while Conner played with a friend at the park. It was a good day. I can’t help but feel so much gratitude for days like today. That I get to have them in a healthy body. That I get to watch my boys growing up without worrying too much about how much time we will have together. The older I get the more I realize just how young my mom was when she lost her battle with breast cancer. I was 10 and she was 42. Leading up to today I cried a bit thinking about her. It comes in waves and I feel like I emotionally prepare myself for this day so that by the time it comes I’ve done all the crying already.
I was cleaning out my office two days ago and I found an old CD of songs by Nana Mouscouri and it immediately took me back to a family summer vacation. My aunt Olga DeGuenther gave the CD to my parents and my mom was obsessed with it. All of the songs were in French and they ended up being the soundtrack for that family trip as we listened to it nonstop on the long and scenic car rides... in maybe New Hampshire?? Not even sure! But I drove aimlessly around Miami yesterday listening to the whole CD and the songs I remembered so well, even in another language I was signing along after all these years. And I was able to have that much needed good cry.
I keep coming back to this photo of me and my mom because it is one of the few that I have of me with my mom. I was in the 2nd grade here, so just one year older than Conner is now and it was taken at Palmetto, the school he attends and that Hudson will start at next fall and that I attended for all of my elementary school years with my sister, and that our mom worked at.
Conner and his cousin Felix (my sister’s older boy). When they came to visit us in Miami in January we were sure to take him to Palmetto!
Being back at Palmetto after all these years is so nostalgic for me. More so than I ever anticipated it being. So many feelings come over me when I walk those halls. One thing that happened and continues to happen since Conner started school there a year ago is that I still run into faculty who knew my mom and remember her dearly. My son is now friends with a boy whose grandmother was a teacher at palmetto and actually taught Lori and whose grandfather was our PE coach. They both have the sweetest things to say about my mom every time I see them. I ran into a teacher who broke down into tears talking to me about my mom, and I broke down into tears talking with the old school principal about my mom... even the cafeteria lady from back in the day remembers my mom and knows that Conner is her grandchild. ️ It is all so special!! The one thing that gets me every single time I have these encounters is not that they all have sweet things to say about her but it’s the way they say it.
It’s been 27 years and their eyes fill with water and they often put one hand over their heart when they reminisce with me about her. It’s such a moving thing to see.
I have recently been getting private messages from my kindergarten teacher who has long since retired, just telling me how brave my mom was and how kind and how much she enjoys seeing photos of me and my boys now... ah, the power of Facebook.
Just wanted to share as I feel like though sharing like this people live on forever. Please keep the memories and stories coming, even if it makes me cry. I absolutely love hearing about my mom. Miss her SO incredibly much.
The orange butterfly that circled over my boy’s heads. AMAZING!
February 13, 2020
When you lose your mom there are at least these 3 days a year that will force you to stop and remember her: her birthday, the day she passed away and Mother’s Day. And then there are all the days in-between. Some days go by without a single thing jolting a memory of her, while other days catch you off-guard with an unexpected reminder of her. These days will warm your heart or make you ugly cry—or both! Yesterday was one of those days for me. It was a “snow day” at Hudson’s school. We live in Miami so a “snow day” is when the school hires a company to come to their PE field and dump a pile of manmade snow onto the grass. The kids com to school wearing their snow gear; hats, gloves, water resistant pants and puffer jackets on an 85 degree day. They love it! When I came with Conner to pick him up Hudson from his school, Hudson asked if he could show his older brother the snow. I thought of several reasons why I could have said no—I had parked on the completely other side of the school than where the PE field was, both boys were sure to get wet and muddy from this impromptu activity, Conner needed to get home to finish a school project that was due today— but instead I said yes. I stood back and took the moment in watching both boys run and slide and jump on the little patch of ice that was left. I took out my phone to snap a photo of them before giving them a five minute warning to leave... then it happened. An orange butterfly with the biggest wings flew in circles over their heads.
I knew it was my mom. I knew I was exactly where I should be. ️
People ask me almost daily how I like being a “stay at home mom” compared to a “working mom” and while I’m quick to correct them and state that I’m rarely ever “at home”, I think about moments like this one. So fleeting. So meaningful. Had I had been working at my previous job and been “on the clock” this type of afternoon would have never happened. Or maybe it would have happened but not for me to see. I am beyond grateful to have this special time with my boys and to be able to soak it all in while I can.
This page will be forever changing so please feel free to log on and check it out from time to time. I will continue to add past writings of mine, as I dig them up from over the years, and I will continue to add new writings about my mom as life happens. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.