All you Need is {Self} Love
We teach our children early on how to play and get along with others. To share. To include everyone, always. To apologize, even if they didn’t do anything wrong. To accept others’ apologies, even if they are given begrudgingly. To go with the flow. To be agreeable. To not tattletale. To shake it off. To hug it out. To keep the peace. Here’s the thing—when do we admit to our children that they actually don’t need to be everyone’s friend? At what age do children no longer need to include those whom they don’t wish to be with? When will they figure out that they don’t have to accept insincere apologies from repeat offenders? That some ‘friends’ aren’t really friends at all. That the most important relationship they will ever have in life is actually the one they have with themselves.
I say all of this but I know that I am a part of the problem. I have been that parent that’s on autopilot at times and instructs my children to apologize without knowing the full story of what transpired or in an effort to keep the peace during a playdate. I have been that parent who invites every classmate, teammate, neighbor and relative to birthday parties, in the name of inclusion. I have been guilty of forcing certain ‘friendships’ upon my children. I have been that parent who encourages my children to hug friends and family on demand and to accept all apologies, even the ones that are forced. Little by little though, I am growing into a new kind of parent. A parent who encourages kindness but also individuality, confidence and self-love. Over the past two years I have had to reel things in a bit (pandemic-induced) and it has led my family onto a better, healthier path. Where we now prefer smaller gatherings (finding that less really is more), more family meals at home (than on the run—stretched too thin with activities and plans), better conversations, more time outdoors, more time fostering my children’s interests and the realization that we really don’t need all that much. That our happiness is always in reach because it is solely dependent on us.
Respecting our Children and their Boundaries:
As my children grow older (now nine and seven years old) they are becoming more assertive and vocal about what they want and what they don’t want from others. They are creating their own boundaries and are starting to speak up for themselves whenever they feel someone oversteps them. The most recent boundary came up the other day from my older son, Conner. He was shooting hoops in our backyard and I took a video of it. He looked awesome out there-- dribbling between his legs and around his back, shooting layups like nothing and even hitting a 3-pointer. After, we came back inside the house and he asked me to show him the video, so I did. He then told me I could keep it for myself but that he didn’t want me posting it on Instagram. Taken back a bit by the request I asked him why and he said, “I just don’t like people knowing what I am doing all the time. I like some things to be private”. He is his father’s son—I am open like a book, but that’s me. I realized in that moment that I need to start considering my sons and their feelings around social media before I post anything about them. Their need for privacy is a very valid boundary and one that I admire and also need to respect.
When we force our children to do things that they are uncomfortable with like hugging someone or making plans with someone that they don’t want to hug or make plans with-- we are teaching them that their boundaries don’t matter. That they don’t have a say. That their values and feelings can be compromised, and little by little we lose their trust. Even if we don’t totally ‘get’ all of the boundaries that they are setting, it is so important that we validate their feelings and respect their wishes. Showing them early on that love and respect go hand in hand—always.
The best way to ‘teach’ Self-Love is to Model it:
I believe that self-love actually starts at home. It wasn’t until I became a mom that I realized how my own “stuff” –- my insecurities, my fears, my anxiety even-- directly impact my children. My older son, Conner used to have terrible anxiety about not knowing what to expect. I would drop him off to preschool at 3 or 4 years of age and everyday while exiting the car he would ask me, “who will be picking me up today?” Some days the answer was that I would be getting him, other days the answer would be that a friend of mine would be picking him up and other days my answer was, “I’m not sure yet”—because I wasn’t sure yet! His teacher in nursery pulled me aside in the hallway one day and said to me “you have to have a plan for Conner each day. On the days that you are unsure of who will be picking him up he comes into class in tears and cannot relax all day because he is too stressed out and anxious by the not knowing”. I can’t thank Mrs. Cassel enough for pointing this out to me—as simple as it was—it was a game changer for us. Now whenever Conner gets anxious about the unknown, I know how to handle it and manage his expectations—because I am the same exact way.
Likewise, if a child lives in a house where all they see if a parent being belittled and disrespected, they will come to think that that’s love. If a child lives in a house where they overhear a parent constantly talking negatively or gossiping about their ‘friends’, they will think that’s friendship. If a child lives in a house where a parent has negative self-talk, their child will internalize it and will most likely think the same lies about themselves. Our children are always observing and taking everything in. This is why self-love matters so much—it plays a part in all of our relationships and it ends up being a part of our children’s own wiring. Children who are wired to believe that they are capable, smart, beautiful, important, etc. won’t entertain harsh critics throughout life the way children who are wired to believe the worst in themselves.
Positive words, comments, complements, feedback and affirmations are so good for children…for all of us really. As a mom of two boys, I try to give positive reinforcement whenever possible because trust me, they have a fair share of us telling them “No”. Something I am working on now is whenever they are doing things I don’t like—such as taking forever to eat, get dressed and out the door for the day---I try to keep it positive. In the past I used to lash out like a drill sergeant and I think at one point I even called them annoying and slow. Not my finest moment as a parent. Now I try to keep it positive, “Okay guys, let’s move it along. I know you can do it.” And when they actually do it, “Great job getting ready and out the door so quickly today guys. I’m proud of you”.
Empower your Children:
Instead of our children ‘finding their voice’ later in life, why not raise them in a way that amplifies their voices from early on? What if instead of raising children who are kind and friendly, we raise children who are kind and feeling. Being kind and friendly in this world sets a child up for failure, in my opinion. It leads to having children who are afraid to speak their mind and rock the boat and afraid to say “no” in fear of disappointing others. It leads to succumbing to peer pressure in an effort to be better liked. It leads to being too insecure to go against the grain--fearing that they will be judged or laughed at or rejected by their peers.
However, a child who is raised to be kind and feeling will have a better sense of who they are and their intuition will give them a better pulse on the world around them. A kind and feeling child will be inclusive to the child who gets picked last at recess or who sits alone during lunchtime. A kind and feeling child will foster friendships with children who they feel most comfortable with, most themselves with. A kind and feeling child will pull away from people who make them feel unseen, unheard or unsafe. Children who are taught to not just ‘play nicely’ but to feel and trust their feelings have better odds of being more in touch with their emotions and will exhibit a greater sense of empathy towards others AND compassion towards themselves.
For me, a big part of empowering my young children is letting them be themselves and express themselves and do the things that they have an interest in. I let them make a mess. I let them build forts in the living room. I let them make science projects in the bathroom. I let them explore in the backyard with nothing but sticks, rocks, dirt and naturally bare feet! I let them invent things out of cardboard boxes and an unacceptable amount of scotch tape and against my better judgment—markers and paint! I do this because it lets them create without rules and restrictions. This sense of freedom that comes with unguided play-- allows them to take charge and have a sense of ownership over something all their own. While some of their fun results in sibling battles and a huge mess in the house, some of it results in amazing creations and new discoveries. And I believe the empowerment has to help build up their sense of self.
Building Self-Esteem Early On:
Our words hold so much power, especially with our young children. They take whatever we say for the truth. Think about that for a minute. Think about the words you use with your loved ones and with yourself. Also think about the words you use with your child—the way you speak about them to others (that they can overhear) and the way you speak to them directly. The language you use when you’re happy with them or proud of them, and the words you use when you’re at your breaking point with them. Your child over time internalized it ALL. I can’t recall every kind thing my family and friends ever said to me growing up, but I can remember very vividly the words and comments that were hurtful. For whatever reason the words that hurt the most are the ones that stick with us. When my boys were little (er) the praises were easy to come by. Every little thing they did was new and exciting to me as their mom, “wow honey, you made this yourself?”, “look at you—you’re so fast!”, “yay, great job making your potty—you’re amazing”. They could see our delight written all over our faces. They felt satisfaction in making us proud. Now when one of my boys shows me something they are proud of, like something they made or a new basketball trick they just learned, my reaction is a bit muted. Knowing this, I have started to sprinkle in phrases or just feel-good sentiments with them whenever I’m feeling it in the moment:
“I love being your mom.”
“I am having the best day with you.”
“Have I told you lately just how proud I am of you?”
“We always have so much fun together, don’t we?”
“You taught me something new today.”
“I love hearing your thoughts.”
“Can I get your opinion on something?”
“Let’s snuggle more often. You give the best hugs.”
By helping build up our children’s self-esteem with encouraging and loving words, validating their feelings, valuing their opinion, and by having more quality time with them, we will have more children who look inward for love and validation, than externally. They won’t look to other people to make them feel smart or pretty or worthy-- they won’t need to because they are hardwired knowing that they already are all of those things. They will be able to sense when something or someone just doesn’t feel right and they will have the confidence to remove themselves accordingly. What a gift for a parent, to know that their child can handle anything life throws at them. That they are equipped to face adversity, adapt to changes as they come, and to know that there isn’t any kind of loss they can’t get through. That they will have their own back. Knowing that they are capable and that they are enough.
When you Love your Own Company, you Won’t Settle:
Children can be kind and caring and still selective when choosing their friends. Knowing they rather enjoy their own company than settle for poor company. Children, like adults, should have deal breakers and boundaries. All children should be able to pinpoint unacceptable behavior or red flags with ‘friends’ and take action to improve the situation or remove themselves from it entirely. A child who has confidence will speak up when someone hurts them, offends them or disrespects them. They will fight their own battles, without needing mommy or daddy to fight for them. And they will know that their self-worth isn’t tied to the number of “likes” they get on a post, or the number of parties they get an invite to, or the number of signatures in their school yearbook. A child who has self-love will grasp the concept of quality over quantity. And they are more likely to make friends who are good for them and their growth. This is my Valentine’s Day wish for my children. To love. To be kind. To be feeling. To feel loved. And to know that they are the greatest source of that love.
