You Don't Ask, You Don't Get

My children take the phrase, “you don’t ask, you don’t get” quite literally—thinking that they should get whatever they want just because they asked nicely for it— “but mom, I said please.”

The more child-friendly phrase would be: “you don’t ask, you don’t always get— but you have a better chance at getting what you want, if you have the courage to ask for it”. To be honest, I appreciate the ask, even when it’s answered with a hard “no” that can sometimes lead my kids to tears-- like when they ask me for one more popsicle or if they can stay up and watch an episode of Ninja Warrior when it’s almost their bedtime. I want to raise children who know what they want and that are comfortable with asking for it, even if they fear that it will be met with a “no”. And brace yourself kiddos, you will be told “no” many times throughout your lives, but that doesn’t mean you stop trying or stop asking.

I learned in my twenties the power of ASKING—knowing that many times the answer would be “no” or “not yet” --but had I never asked the questions so many more doors and opportunities would have remained closed off to me. What my children have yet to fully understand is that the phrase, “You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get” is just as much about the pitch as it is about the ask.

The “Pitch”

It’s true—just because you want something badly or just because you feel you’re deserving of something; doesn’t mean you’ll get it in that moment or even ever. Life isn’t always fair— or as my boss used to say— “you know what fair is? It’s a place you go to with turkey legs and carrousel rides, nothing in sales is fair so do yourself a favor and take that idea out of your mind.”

One of the best lessons I took from my 12-year career in pharmaceutical sales was the true understanding of the phrase “You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get”— it’s a lesson that as a woman I am grateful to have learned early on in life.

When I graduated from the University of Florida and moved back to Miami my sister-in-law helped me land a job interview with a pharmaceutical company. I’m pretty sure I bombed the interview but I was hired anyway because of my family connection. My manager took me under his wings and had me sit and listen in on sales calls with the very best reps on the sales floor before I would start making cold calls. One rep whom they placed each newbie with was referred to as Sharkie. She was the most senior rep on the floor (both in tenure and in age) and she was, as her nickname suggested, “a sales shark”. Sharkie had the highest sales goals in the company and would crush them every single month. She was hungry, driven and “scrappy” as they called it. Sharkie was the first person in the building and the last to leave every single day. As a twenty-two-year-old I admired her confidence-- she would pick up the phone and pitch any product to any person and she wouldn’t hang up until she got what she wanted—their PO number. I listened in on her calls and took detailed notes. She never stopped at the initial sale, she always asked for more---upselling every chance she got— bundling products— pushing short dated products (because she would be paid double commissions on them)— she was an animal and they wanted me to become like her. Her motto on the sales floor was “you don’t ask you don’t get”. Translation: you don’t assume the sale; you won’t get the sale. You have to ask for it. You had to tell your customer what to buy from you and how much of it they needed to take. She legit had people eating out of the palm of her hand!

Years went on and I gained more confidence on the phone and I found my own method and rhythm in the crazy pharmaceutical sales world. Then when I was twenty-five years old more of a fire was lit under me to perform when my husband decided to go to law school. I formed a solid territory of loyal customers all my own and was promoted to Senior Rep status. I was following in Sharkie’s wake but I saw one huge flaw with her. While she was preoccupied upselling to all of her customers-- she was selling herself short. She was in her mid-forties and her life was her career. She was upper management’s favorite because she would say yes to everything that was asked of her—yes to longer hours, yes to higher goals, yes to taking on-call more frequently, yes to training newbies in her free time, etc. Like the deep dark murky waters that she swam in, Sharkie had no concept of boundaries.

As much as I admired her strong work ethic, I knew I didn’t want to be like her. As big as her territory was and as much money as she brought in for the company—she made one big mistake every single year- she never once upsold herself by ASKING for more. The saddest part of it was, had she asked for more I know she would have been given it. And every good salesperson knows, you never leave money on the table!

Every year we would meet with our boss one-at-a-time for our annual evaluation. We would have about an hour to review our numbers from the past 12 months and we had to rate ourselves on our performance. During this meeting it was your job to help set your goals and commission structure for the following year. You had to take your numbers and prove to upper management that your hard work and results warranted a raise in pay, or whatever other “ask” you had in mind. Year after year I would get a bump in pay that was reflective of my hard work and dedication to my customers and to the company, because I both earned it and because I asked for it. Sharkie, on the other hand, would settle for whatever she was offered.

Sharkie watched as I was promoted to a Senior Rep— faster than she ever was. She watched as I took vacations that she never dreamed of taking. She watched as I used up every single PTO day that I had accrued each year. She saw me giving up my on-call weeks to other reps so that I could enjoy more time with my family. She began to resent me for being “given” certain luxuries that she never had, like being allowed to work remotely a few days a week or taking extended lunch hours to pick-up my kids from school. The truth was we both brought the same value to the company and we could have/should have had the same benefits, perks and payment plans but what I came to learn was that Shakie was only a shark on the phone. It’s quite easy to be brave and bold when you’re hiding behind a screen. The confidence I thought I saw in her diminished when face-to-face with management.

The Ask:

How many times in our lives have we been like Sharkie? We think we are doing all the right things. We think because we are giving so much of ourselves that we should be given so much back in return. We think we shouldn’t have to ask for anything, that if we work hard and have patience eventually good things will come. We think life is fair in this way but sadly that’s rarely the case. As women I think it’s imperative to our success to recognize our own value and to ask for more. The key to “You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get” is first you must do the work, this way you have evidence/a pitch/a why to back up your argument—and then you make the bold move and ask the uncomfortable questions.

Here’s what happens more times than not…Remember the movie, Jerry Maguire? There is a bedroom scene where Renee Zellweger’s character (Dorothy) turns to Tom Cruise’s character (Jerry) and says (paraphrasing here): “sometimes I wish I could know what’s going on in that head of yours” and he replies back “when you wonder, ask” to which she replies, “I thought I just did”.

This is the perfect example of what I’m talking about. As women we are taught to be nice and polite and to hope for what we want. Men are taught to work hard, be aggressive and to speak up for what they want. Women, generally speaking, are taught to tiptoe around the uncomfortable subjects, avoiding any possible conflict like the plague. Meanwhile men are generally more direct in their approach. They too “do the work” and they have no issue asking for more—often overshooting and asking for way more than they even deserve—the way Sharkie would ask for more than the initial sale. Rene Zelwigger’s character was hinting at the important question, dancing around the issue in their relationship in an abstract way—expecting Tom Cruise’s character to know what she was asking, without flat out asking it.

We do this all the time. We can’t expect people to intuitively know what we want or what we are thinking (although that would be amazing if they could). When we don’t ask the important underlying questions, we feel slighted, but the truth is it’s on us to initiate change and become more direct if our needs aren’t being met. We have to be our best advocates in a world where everyone is looking out for themselves.

I’ve often had the thought: I shouldn’t have to ask—they should just know. This type of thinking isn’t helpful.

I shouldn’t have to ask my parents to help out more with my children.

I shouldn’t have to ask my friends to show up for me.

I shouldn’t have to ask my partner to meet me half way.

I shouldn’t have to ask my boss for a promotion.

I shouldn’t have to _____________.

The truth is most people aren’t that in tune to your specific needs or feelings and they actually do care but they need you to spell it out for them some times. If something matters to you—you have to have the courage to ask for it, even if it seems obvious to you. Any time you feel unseen or unheard or unappreciated or when you feel things aren’t balanced or fair (even if you work for someone who doesn’t believe in fairness)--it’s on YOU to speak up and try to improve the situation. Tell the person what it is that you want/need and then directly ask for their help in getting you there and offer ideas on how they can best help you.

The tell is: I am drowning.

The ask is: Can you help lighten my load? It would be so helpful to me if you could do XY&Z.

The more direct we learn to be in all of our interactions, I believe the more doors will open and the closer we will get to living the lives that we always wanted. If you want things to change in any aspect of your life, first do the work and then learn to ask the important questions and have the uncomfortable conversations as needed. Sometimes that’s all it takes...but you won’t know if you don’t ask.