One Year In: If you Don’t Know, Now you Know
Over a year ago I hung up my hat as a “working mom” and entered the world of the "stay-at-home moms". It doesn’t matter how or why you got here, but here is what you can expect.
Top ten things that I didn’t know would happen the minute I became a “stay-at-home” mom:
People will think you have all the time in the world. You will be poached pretty much immediately, like the first walk-up pickup at your child’s school, by at least half of these groups/people: the school PTA, the school auction committee, the school store volunteers, the school librarian, your child’s teacher who all of a sudden needs an extra chaperone for a field trip, your other child’s teacher who had another parent flake on them for Shabbat reader so now you’re being called upon. Your dad who you rarely see or hear from will start to call you for lunch dates, your girlfriends will try to get you involved with whatever fundraiser they are currently involved with, your neighbors will ask you to help out with their kids, and all the sudden your mother-in-law will start to call you just to chit chat. You will find you’re busier than ever before if you actually say yes to everyone who reaches out.
Your spouse will expect more out of you. Whether this is done consciously or subconsciously, your partner will have higher expectations of you now that you are a “woman of leisure”, HA! You might be thinking, but I do it all already, and that may be so but now you are expected to do it better. Yeah, so remember the days of throwing store bought rotisserie chicken on top of a salad and calling it a meal, those days are gone. My husband legit forwards my own friend’s Instagram posts to me of her family’s homemade gourmet meals and asks me to print them out and try to recreate them for our family. Talk about pressure! Oh, and my friend who posts them is an actual chef!
You will start off thinking that you have all the time in the world. You will soon realize this isn’t so…but yes the first week or two in we too think we can do it all once we take our time at work off of our plates. I remember attending my last “working moms group meeting”—yes there was a group at my temple for working moms to help and support one another. I absolutely loved it! I remember sharing with the group that I was leaving my job or “retiring” as we jokingly referred to it. I told them I had big plans for my days as a stay-at- home mom. I would volunteer more at the kids schools, I would learn to cook, I would get more involved with organizations that were important to me, I would write a book, I would get back into shape, I would walk my dog daily, I would have weekly standing lunch dates with the people I love, etc. Then I remember a friend of mine who is also my children’s pediatrician leaning over and saying softly to me “you really should just take some time to relax. Take a nap. Get a massage. Don’t feel like you need to prove yourself and get out the gates running. You have time now so what’s the rush?” I partially listened and followed this advice. Although I am not one to take naps, I am so grateful to now have the luxury of being able to sleep all day when I get sick, something that was never an option unless I wanted to use up my work PTO. And I am proud to share that I have treated myself to about 5 massages this past year, baby steps!
People that you never had any intentions of forming friendships with will ask you to hang out. And I am not even saying like through your kids, like those awkward playdates that got coordinated by some overly caffeinated mom who races over to pin you down just as you’re getting back into your car, “Hey Susie! We really need to get our little ones together. My daughter loves your son. You should have seen how they were playing blocks together before circle time this morning. Let’s do a playdate”!! You know what I am talking about---the dreaded playdate that is “for the kids” but really, it’s one mom’s attempt to become your bestie. This is actually worse now that you’re unemployed—now the kids are out of the equation, they are in school all day and you are the one being stopped in the parking lot by the same cray-cray mom asking you out to coffee. And seriously, what can you say to that harmless request? Sorry I don’t have time for coffee? You’re free until the 3PM carpool pickup and it’s only 9AM, and everyone knows it! And what mom doesn’t have time for coffee? So now you get suckered into random coffee dates BUT the good news is, for the handful of bad coffee dates that you don’t care to ever repeat, you will surprise yourself and find one that stands out from the rest, a new mom friend! No wonder your kids gravitated to each other in block center (or wherever), she’s actually a super cool person…maybe we will get the kids together outside of school after all!
People will all of the sudden show an interest in what you do for a living. Okay, let me set the scene, you’re at a fancy dinner on a Friday night with your husband as well as two very important clients of his who are in town from London. Your hair is blown out, your gel manicure is fresh and you’re excited to be out of the house. You’re all having a lovely time, talking about upcoming travel plans, decanting a 2007 Opus One cabernet, and then it comes, the dreaded question that still throws me off my game every single time, "and what about you Susie, what do you do? Are you an attorney as well?" Cringe!!! I have yet to master the perfect answer to that one. It's funny because when I was working full-time, I felt like people rarely would ask me where I worked or what I did for a living and I swear the minute I stopped working I get asked that question more often than not. Please help me figure out a good simple answer to this one and fast! I am the house manager? I am the CEO of our house? Nope, still awkward!
The Mom Guilt is still there but slightly different from before. As a mom there will always be times when you feel guilty. Most of it is completely unnecessary but it is still very real. For me it’s usually the feeling of when I choose to do something for myself or spend time with just my husband or just my friends, over being with my children. When I was working full-time I felt it mostly on the weekends, I would want to be with my kids 24/7 to make up for lost time but then I also knew I needed to take care of myself and I wanted a social life too. When I would leave them to go to the gym, or to get a manicure, or on a date night even, I felt such sadness. I felt like I was letting them down and failing them in a way. I felt it on Wednesday nights when I would miss their bedtime so that I could attend my favorite hip-hop dance class with my girlfriends. It was silly, I needed that break. I needed to clear my mind and exercise and be with friends, but a voice in my head was always there telling me I should be home with my family. So now that I am not working I try to do all my workouts during the day and lots of coffee/lunch dates with girlfriends when my boys are in school so that the afternoons and nights can be all ours…with the exception of my Wednesday nights those I am holding onto! The shift in mom guilt now comes when I am around my girlfriends who are still working moms (which is the majority of them). I went from being in the trenches with them and truly feeling their pain and relating to their daily struggles to balance it all to now feeling like I have abandoned them in a way. I have guilt around the fact that I can no longer fully relate to what they are experiencing each day. I try to be as helpful as possible; if they are stuck in a meeting and are running late for carpool they know they can count on me to get their kids for them, but I still can’t shake this new feeling of guilt.
Your kids won’t appreciate you any more than they always have. This is an interesting one. We love to think that by being a stay-at-home mom and literally planning our days around our children and their needs/wants/interests/activities/friendships would be met by extra grateful children who recognize all you gave up to be with them ALL DAY. EVERY DAY. Nope…. that isn’t the case. Kids love and appreciate their moms the same amount whether they are working, not working, working part time, working full time, working from home or on the road. It really doesn’t matter. Your kids know that everything you do is for your family and that you’re doing your very best. So, if you entered the world of the “stay at homes” and expected better treatment or a gold star from your children just for the mere fact that you left your job… forget about it. These kiddos don’t give any extra credit, which is actually so endearing when you think about it.
Although the label is “stay-at-home mom” there isn’t much time spent at home. Shocking, I know. It’s true though, since I stopped working I spend my days mostly out of the house—at dance classes, yoga classes or kickboxing, volunteering at both of my boy’s schools, running countless errands for the household, going to charity events, going on long walks with girlfriends or with my dog or both, meeting up with friends/family for lunch, taking my boys to school, picking them up from school, visiting my parents, and then schlepping to piano lessons, t-ball practice, basketball practice, soccer practice and art classes. Home is where I go to grab a quick smoothie or energy bar, use the bathroom and drop off groceries in-between it all.
Prepare yourself for the tough question of “what have you been up to”. Sounds so simple but it is a trick!!! Okay, so you know how when someone asks you how you’re doing and you reply back within a split second with a one-word answer like “fine” or “great” …. this is totally different from that. Those responses are the norm and they are accepted by pretty much everyone. But when no longer “working” and asked “what have you been up to” it’s hard because before you could easily just say something like, “oh I have been slammed at work and with the kids. So much going on. Never enough time, etc.” which could lead to more pointed questions about what is changing or happening at work that makes me so busy or what are the kids up to nowadays. But here is where it gets tricky…once you’re no longer working the answer is all about the kids OR it’s all too personal. I never truly miss my job but in situations like this I have to say I do miss having the “work” answer in my back pocket to keep the exchange lighter and less invasive. Next time someone asks me what I have been up to maybe I’ll just through them a fun one like, “oh you know, just sitting on my couch, in my pajamas, eating Bonbons and watching The Bachelor while the boys are in school. And you?”
You will greatly benefit from finding something fulfilling that you can treat like a job. So while I am at peace with no longer being a career woman (at least for right now) it didn’t take me long to start to crave “work” of some kind. There will always be things to get done at home. There will always be piles or laundry and closets that desperately needs to be cleaned out. There will always be unexpected obstacles that pop up at the most inconvenient times. There will be a never ending to-do list, like always. It didn’t take long for me to start wanting something added to my days at home that would be both rewarding and mentally stimulating. This is when I decided to take the time to write again and to treat it like a job, a very flexible job. I have a desk that I commit myself to being at for at least 2-hour time blocks five days a week. I don’t have to report to anyone. I don’t have to wear a bra. I don’t have to leave my house. The only pressure I have is whatever pressure I decide to put on myself. It’s honestly the best!