“Me Time” is Still a Thing — Getting to "Get To"

The boys and I painted rocks for our rock garden in the backyard.

When our boys were just learning how to walk, I remember my husband and I making a conscience effort to never make a big deal out of them falling down. Whenever they would stumble and fall they would immediately look to one of us to see our reaction and in a very calm voice we would tell them, “you’re okay, you’re fine”. They would then pop back up and try it again. This “you’re fine” reaction continued through the years. Stubbed your toe on the coffee table, “you’re okay”. Walked into a doorknob, “you’re fine”. Skinned your knee on the baseball field, “you’re okay, shake it off”. Open cut under your chin from slipping and falling while running around the pool, “you’re okay, that’s why I told you not to run”. Now of course, if they weren’t “okay” we would race over to help them and care for them, but usually it was their emotional needs that call for our attention and hugs more than their booboos.

Hudson learning how to walk, with the help of our yellow lab, Albert.

One day last week I was in my kitchen (pretty much where I spend the majority of my time nowadays due to homeschooling and also because someone in my house is ALWAYS hungry) and my 5-year-old, Hudson, was crying again over something very trivial, like the dog bumping into his Lego tower. That’s when he asked me, “why do mommies never cry?”. I was taken back by the question as I had no idea why he thought that. I told him that yes, we do cry, that all people cry some times.

I remember one time I cried in front of his older brother Conner, he was just learning how to read and I got chocked up telling him how proud I was of him. He looked at me with a puzzled face and asked me so innocently, “what’s happening with your face mommy?”, to which I laughed and told him that these are called happy tears! He had never heard of such a thing.

I think the only time both boys have seen me cry for real was on November 16, 2017 when we had to put our dog Albert down. I think as a mom it’s my instinct to cry in private as I don’t want my children seeing me in any sort of pain, but the loss of a loved one (including the loss of beloved pets) is something that we cannot conceal. Joe and I got Albert the year that we were engaged (2006) and living together in Coconut Grove. He was very much our first-born. Conner and Hudson saw both myself and Joe cry that day and they certainly saw me cry for several days following, usually during bedtime when I was fielding questions they had for me about Albert and heaven but I think Hudson has forgotten about this as he was only three at the time.

Cancer sucks. We will love you and miss you forever our yellow boy.

As a child I could cry over absolutely anything, this is something that would drive my dad crazy as it was perceived as crying over “nothing”. Now that I am a parent I can totally see where he was coming from as most of my kid’s tears seem to be “wasted” on things that we cannot justify in our adult minds, but I try to be understanding of it, especially now that our worlds are turned upside down. We have to remind ourselves, especially while quarantined, that our children are little people with BIG emotions. Often times they have a hard time understanding their complex feelings and properly expressing them. And like the toddler taking their first steps, our children (no matter what their age) continue to look to us for the reassurance that they are going to be “okay”.

As an adult I pretty much only cry over the loss of loved ones or sentimental things, like a Publix commercial for Mother’s Day or when reading sweet cards from Joe. I cry when I have a flood of memories about my mom. I cry sometimes when looking at old photos or videos of my boys from when they were babies and think about how fast they are both growing up. I cry at goodbyes. I am SO bad at goodbyes; whether I am leaving my boys for a trip and crying in the Uber all the way to the airport or hugging my sister goodbye after I visit her in California or when she visits me in Miami. These are the things that get to me, but they are never in the presence of my children.

So how do we experience and process all of our feelings when we are quarantined with our children and when they are attached to us all day, everyday? For most of us this is the most time we have EVER spent inside our houses and with our families. We are used to living in a fast-paced world, where we are always on the run going from one activity or function to the next. Our days are packed, so much so that we pay others to care for our houses for us and we rely on school teachers to do the brunt of the educating. I take pride in the fact that I have a life outside of being a mom. I look forward to lunches with friends, Wednesday night dance classes and date nights with Joe on the weekends. For those of us with little ones that are legit attached to us like a baby koala, it can be suffocating at times. I can’t even sit on the toilet or take a shower without one of them calling for me. I can’t make a phone call to a friend or a relative without one or both of my boys all of the sudden needing my help with something. Oh, and a Zoom chat with friends- forget about it! I can’t leave them unattended for more than 20 minutes without a fight breaking out. It’s out of control some days and it’s for sure not healthy for any of us.

Our go-to babysitter/photographer took this one. I am behind the door trying to get dressed while all 3 boys were lined up wanting my attention. Story of my life.

I read somewhere that week 5 of quarantine is where shit gets real. The novelty of it all wears off and you are hit with the stark reality that this is real and it isn’t going away any time soon. What I have learned this week is that as much as I love the togetherness of it all, as highlighted in my previous blog about the quarantine and how in many ways it has brought us closer as a family. And as much as I love getting more creative and thinking outside the box for fun activities to keep our minds occupied and our bodies active. And as much I have loved the rewarding feeling of giving back to others during this time; right now, on day 36 of the quarantine I am feeling a strong need to break away and ironically enough, I find myself in need of some “me time”.

The truth is, our kids are too young for all the facts. They just need to understand the basics; that there is a virus that is extremely contagious so the best thing to do right now is to stay home and to keep a social distance from others until things get better. The 46,900+ death count in the U.S. alone is the stuff that nightmares are made of, there is no reason for our kids to be worried about this. So even though our minds are racing and we have more worries today than possibly ever before, we also have an obligation to our children to hold it together, as best we can. We are their safe place. We are the ones, who in their mind, have all the answers. Right now, more than ever, they need that reassurance from us, that feeling of falling down and looking to us to hear, “you’re okay” …and not just to hear it but to feel it from us and to believe it to be true.

Extra hug time at home is a necessity when you have to keep your social distance from so many that you love.

That all being said, it can’t be healthy to suppress our sadness, our loneliness, our worries, or our very real fears 24/7. That isn’t what I am suggesting. So, what can we do? I think the only answer is to carve out time for ourselves, away from our families for some much needed “me time”. I am not talking about the glamourous “me day” that we used to have every so often, where we would break away from our responsibilities and treat ourselves to full body massages and pedicures. In quarantine we simply need to check in with ourselves, the way we do with our friends. We need a block of time to process our thoughts and to acknowledge our feelings each day because I have found that every day is so different. Some days I feel like I have a good handle on everything and I am patting myself on the back. #teacheroftheyear! And other days I feel like there isn’t enough coffee or wine in the world to help me, I am completely overwhelmed.

What does this new sort of “me time” look like? It can be anything that you enjoy doing alone—reading, journaling, baking, coloring in one of those adult coloring books, etc. For me it’s getting vitamin D and exercise. Every day I find the time to walk/run or take a virtual dance or yoga class to get my energy out and to clear my mind. Just 30-60 minutes a day gets out my frustrations, my tension, my worries, my sadness, everything that I am feeling on any given day. To be honest things were pretty smooth over here for me until this fifth week. I feel like this week my kids are just over it all. My older boy is starting to really miss his friends and his basketball league and he is all of the sudden sick of doing schoolwork. My little one is acting out and crying over absolutely everything and is testing my last nerve every hour on the hour. I have been holding strong this whole time but this week is when I realized that I am not totally “okay”. Yesterday I was running and listening to one of my favorite feel good songs, Whitney Houston’s “Higher Love”, and once all the sweat exited my pours and there wasn’t a drop left, the tears started to flow. It was exactly what I needed, a good hard cry. So strange but I had forgotten how good crying can feel.

Joe came home from work one day last week and I grabbed my bike and my margarita and took off.

I encourage all parents to fit some “me time” into each day—schedule it if you need to. If you have little kids that you can’t break away from during the day, plan your “me time” for first thing in the morning while the kids are still asleep or do it at night once they are in bed. If you have a partner, take turns relieving each other so that you can each benefit from some alone time. I have friends with older children who also crave some alone time so they came up with a solution of taking an hour each day where each family member goes to a different room in the house and does whatever they want without interruption. I know the idea of being in isolation and still needing alone time sounds a bit ridiculous but I promise you, you need this and your family will thank you for it.