Learned Happiness — Getting to "Get To"

How many times in your life have you thought to yourself: If I just do this, I’ll be happy? It can range from small things to big things-- If I just buy these shoes, I’ll be happy. If I just leave this job, I’ll be happy. If I just move to another city, I’ll be happy. Or maybe you put the action or responsibility on another person-- If he just proposes, I’ll be happy. If my boss gives me another raise, I’ll be happy. Maybe some of these things actually happen and maybe happiness is experienced momentarily, but I think the question we should be asking ourselves isn’t “what do I need to have happen to make me happy?” but rather, “what can I do to bring more happiness into my life?”. The difference here is subtle but significant. The first question: “what do I need to have happen to make me happy” implies that being happy requires the presence of something outside of ourselves (like the new pair of shoes or the change of environment). It also implies that happiness is to be orchestrated or initiated by someone or something other than ourselves (like the boyfriend who finally pops the question). When we wait for happiness to happen or look for happiness externally it is usually a short-lived state of happiness that we experience. The second question is better phrased— “what can I do to bring more happiness into my life” –asking the question this way makes YOU the owner of your own cup of happiness AND it implies that an action, mindset and/or a behavior is required by yourself (and only yourself) to bring happiness into your life. Looking at happiness this way is usually met with a longer lasting sense of happiness or joy. Realizing that you have control over your own happiness makes the state of “being happy” something that you can repeat, essentially making happiness a habit.

How To Make Happiness a Habit:

Almost nine years ago when I became a parent, I remember having the typical wishes most parents have for their child—all of them boiled down to two key things—wishing them healthy and happy lives. In that first year as a new mom, I remember doing all the necessary steps to make my baby feel safe and secure and loved…and yes, happy. I remember reading the book “The Happiest Baby on the Block” by Dr. Harvey Karp around the time of Conner’s birth and I was dedicated to the 5 S’s he describes: Swaddle, Side position, Shush, Swing, and Sucking on a pacifier. All of these were proven ways for parents to soothe their baby before they were capable of successfully soothing themselves. Now that my days of sleepless nights and nursing and all those S’s are long gone, I started to think of how I can still “help” my children be their “healthiest and happiest”.

As a parent we do a lot to maintain our children’s health—I mean that is our primary job—to keep our child alive and well. We take them to their annual exams, we take care of them when they get sick, we encourage physical activity, we push them academically, we instill healthy eating habits, etc. But what about their happiness? Is there a way for us to promote happiness when our children are way too old to be swaddled? I think there is!

For as long as I can remember, finding happiness has come easily to me. As a child I didn’t HAVE everything I ever wanted at my fingertips and I didn’t ONLY have fun, easy times. I think what makes me a relatively “happy person” is my mindset AND my upbringing. I think there were two contributing factors in my childhood that helped make happiness a habit for me.

1. My parents raised me to be a grateful person.

2. My parents gave me space from a very young age.

How was I raised with gratitude at the forefront of my childhood mindset? I think my keen sense of gratitude ultimately stems from being raised in a house where we prayed and also where I experienced my mom being sick. I was raised in a Catholic family where we went to church every Sunday without fail. I would say grace before dinner with my family every single evening. I would pray and give thanks to God every night before bed. And it was ingrained in me from a very young age to ALWAYS say please and thank you for everything. I remember going to dinner with friends and their parents as a child and at the end of the meal everyone would jump out of their chairs and dart off to the car and I would be taken back by the fact that they never once said thank you to their parents for the meal. I just wasn’t raised that way. I thanked my parents for every meal, every article of clothing, every new school backpack, every haircut, every vacation—everything! Now, as a mom, I enforce this with my own children. While we aren’t church-going Catholics—we give thanks a lot in our Jewish home. We pray, we worship in our temple and observe all the high holy days and my children always express their sincere gratitude to my husband and me for everything we give them or do for them. Sometimes they will even thank me for things that I don’t even think a “thank you” is needed for—like tying their shoelaces for them or handing them a napkin or wiping their nose or helping them brush their teeth-- they express their gratitude for it ALL.

My mom having breast cancer from the time I was five years old until she passed away when I was ten also had a huge impact on me when it comes to gratitude. Seeing her struggle and fight for her life for so long and never giving up hope I believe shaped me. Seeing her wanting so badly to live that she would do whatever treatment necessary no matter how great of a toll it would take on her body, was incredible. I remember waking up early some mornings and watching her open the vertical blinds in our living room, she was so happy to be greeting yet another day. Being raised by this strong, beautiful soul taught me to look for the beauty and gratitude in my every day. And when she lost her life, it made me (especially now as an adult) want to live more intentionally, more fully and to never take a single breath or a clean bill of health, or a single day for granted.

They say those who suffer the loss of a parent will in turn experience a heightened sense of gratitude—well what if I want to raise grateful children but I don’t want to die for it? Now as a mom, I am beyond grateful to be present for my boys and to be in a healthy body, because of this I know they won’t learn gratitude the same exact way I did, but I still believe it can be learned. The biggest change is to be mindful about how we talk about things and how we approach life (knowing that they are watching and listening, and taking notes). We can all do this.

When we take family vacations, for example, I always express gratitude for being able to have that experience with them and when we return home from a trip I always express just as much gratitude for returning back to our day-to-day lives. We very much live in the “get to” mindset, where every day we “get to” do things with each other, for each other, and because of each other. I explain the “get to” perspective in my blog as a simple shift from “having to do something” (which can sound like a chore or a burden) to “getting to do something”. I adopted this way of thinking years ago and it’s the thought behind my gratitude blog and it’s also the backbone to my parenting style. My children don’t “go to camp”—they “get to go to camp”—we speak this way all the time and it shifts the action from something we do (whether we like it or not—like going to school or going to the doctor—to something we are grateful to do. “We get to go to school”. “We get to go to the doctor”.) I want my children to know that these every day things that can easily be taken for granted ARE in fact privileges that not everyone gets to have.

Why is it a good thing that my parents left me alone a lot as a child? I know this might sound like a strange thing to point to as why I am a “happy person” but it isn’t until now looking back that I find the value in this. I don’t have any memories of my parents ever getting on the floor and playing with me, the way many parents do nowadays. Don’t get me wrong, I think there is something to be said for parents who are willing to get down on their hands and knees and “be one of the kids”, that just wasn’t my upbringing. My parents were always loving towards me and at times they were fun and goofy too, but “playtime” was something my sister and I were left to figure out on our own. This is a wonderful way to be raised in my opinion, it not only led me to realizing what I enjoy doing (not influenced by my parents’ aspirations or interests) but it also taught me early on that no one can MAKE me happy—only I could do that.

I remember being left in my room for hours without interruption from a very early age. My sister was only two years older than me but she rarely wanted to play with me, she was interested in basketball and talking on the phone with friends and I was interested in PLAY. Being left alone and when “bored” told to “figure it out” led to my love for creating and using my imagination. I would play with my Barbie dolls for hours and I took it so seriously. They had their own TV show and after a while I didn’t even want the company of anyone to play with me because it would take me too long to explain each of the characters to them and the dynamic of their relationships. On sunny days I would spend hours outside, again without interruption from my parents. I would climb trees and go on long bike rides with friends. I would knock on my next-door neighbor’s door and ask to go for a swim in their pool. I would find rocks in my yard and decorate them, turning them into “pet rocks” and would go door-to-door selling them for a dollar. Why was this all so great, because it was all up to me. I got to choose what I wanted to do with my time and I had the freedom to explore and figure out what I enjoyed doing best.

In my middle and high school years I would walk home from school by myself every day and would usually come home to an empty house. My dad and stepmom would be working and my older sister was always outside playing basketball at her friend’s houses and didn’t come home until dinner time. I learned to entertain myself then too. I would have a snack of my choice and then would blast the CD player in our family room and would make up dance routines to songs by Melissa Etheridge, Michael Jackson, Ace of Base and of course the Dirty Dancing soundtrack—just to name the first few that come to mind (the music variety crossed over many genres). This daily routine of mine made me happy—I made myself happy. Having this time to myself led me to discovering what I love most, what my true passions are: creating, writing, painting, photography, dancing, singing, being outdoors, etc. The affects of it have lasted ever since.

In a time where mental health issues are on the rise with the increase of anxiety, stress and depression, not just among adults but also our youth, we need to develop strategies to bring more happiness into our lives and to make our mental health (and the mental health of our loved ones) our top priority.

Although there are biological contributors to happiness, like having a family history of depression or other mental illnesses, those predispositions are not the whole story. In fact, according to Neuroscientist Dr. Emiliana Simon-Thomas, of the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California- Berkeley (who teaches an online course entitled: The Science of Happiness), states, “we know now that much of our daily experiences depend on how we live our lives.” In a rough scientific estimate, she states that 40 percent of perceived happiness depends on how we live daily and we have a decent amount of control over it. Decisions we are constantly making for ourselves affect our happiness greatly—it can be as simple as deciding to go for a walk outside when you get home from work instead of deciding to sit on the couch to watch TV. The hard part is recognizing your behaviors and working consciously to change them in ways that will promote further happiness.

Science tells us what truly makes us happy-- and isn’t the typical stuff you’d think, like the bigger house or the bump in your paycheck. The research all points to much simpler things including: taking time for social connection, proactively experiencing gratitude, and finding ways to stay in the moment. All of these “little” things matter more than we realize. Dr. Emiliana Simon-Thomas points out that “happiness comes from changing our mindset, not our circumstances.” So, the thought of moving to another city or moving to a “nicer” house isn’t the answer to what’s “missing” in our lives in the pursuit of happiness. The leading predictor of happiness is what social scientists call “prosocial behavior”—this is how people interact with others. In Simon-Thomas’s course she teaches her students how to best leverage and boost their prosociality and also how to be more authentic and emotionally rich. This can be achieved by learning to trust your community of humans around you and allowing them to support you. In short—very happy people are those who have strong social support. There is an important distinction between being happy and “appearing happy”. Thinking that anyone who smiles a lot and is labeled as being “cheerful” MUST be happy is a big misconception. I always go back to thinking about Robin Williams who was arguably one of the funniest, most talented actors of our time and yet behind his smile and laughter and jokes, was a man who was struggling with severe depression.

When we are in the act of doing something, we find joy in, like curling up and reading a good book or gardening for example, those moments of “happiness” are emotional states, such as being proud or excited or grateful. Science shows that “happy people” have an easier time enjoying those states, and living in the moment. It is also equally important to point out that “happy people” are also very comfortable with experiencing appropriate moments of anger, sadness and fear. This is why it is critical to teach our children that happiness isn’t a forever feeling. We should help our little ones recognize when they feel happy and what caused them to feel that way. This also applies to when they feel sad or nervous or jealous, etc. Let them recognize that distinct feeling and sort it out for themselves. I remember one day my 6-year-old did something that upset me and I told him how unacceptable his behavior was. He burst into tears and I asked him what was wrong—I knew what was wrong but wanted to hear him say it…he then answered, “I am not happy”. I sat down and told him, “In this moment I am not happy either.” This led to a great talk where I explained that we can’t be happy all the time. We have many feelings and we need to feel them all. I compared it to the Emoji movie where the emojis struggled because they could only have one expression/feeling at all times. I told him wouldn’t it be terrible if my face had a permanent smile or a permanent frown—how would you ever know what I was feeling? Which of course led us both to a good laugh when we started to play with our facial expressions together. He received the message-- it was safe to feel all of his feelings in our house and to express them.

Here are some practices that we can do to increase our subjective well-being and bring more happiness to our days (and we can promote these behaviors with our children too):

Meditate

Take time off from work and daily chores

Be outside more

Doing more of what you love

Carve out more time for those you care about

Take a break from all electronic devices

Reevaluate your social media and unfollow accounts that no longer serve you

Exercise more

Be more giving/generous with others

Get more sleep

Since happiness comes from our intentional behaviors, making these simple changes to our days can have a huge impact. I know when I was at the “lowest” points in my life it was hard to try and do many of these things—I simply felt overwhelmed and like there weren’t enough hours in the day for doing more of what I love or to meditate or exercise more--but even if you only do one thing on this list, it helps. I think a great one/easy one to start with is sleep. Studies show that people who go to bed earlier AND wake up earlier (even if just by one hour) are a lot happier. It’s worth trying!

Another great exercise we can do is what Simon-Thomas refers to as “self-monitoring”. This is where she has her students take notice of where their happiness is currently and then reflecting on it. “Most of us just wait for happiness to happen, but that isn’t the most promising route. We need to audit it and pay attention to what contributes to it.” Likewise, we should also take notice of what we are doing when our happiness lessens or goes away completely. Is there something we can do or change to minimize this shift? Reading this made me think of social media and how it’s so important to our mental health to use it minimally and to only follow accounts that bring something positive to our lives and to unfollow accounts that do the reverse. A few times a year I like to “Marie Kondo” my Instagram account to “declutter” and only keep accounts that “spark joy”.

A few other suggestions for bringing more happiness into your life, Simon-Thomas points to “random acts of kindness,” such as offering someone a hand with carrying things to their car or gifting your old baby items to a new mom on your street, etc. Some other things we can do to promote happiness for ourselves is increasing our gratitude and also focusing on reconciliation and conflict resolution. While settling a conflict doesn’t often lead to the most pleasant or “happy” of conversations, the end-result will bring you peace and will open the door to new experiences of happiness. There are important properties and advantages to apologizing and forgiving others. Science shows that holding grudges is very harmful to the grudge-holder. The goal isn’t about stifling anger or blocking out negative emotions but rather working through them and growing from them.

Family trip to Bluffton, SC this past spring. Love creating new memories with my boys—all 3 of them!

Now my wishes for my children have alerted a bit since they were first born. I wish for them to have healthy, fulfilling, beauty-FILLED lives that are rich with a million different kinds of love (which as they get older, I realize I have less and less control over—that’s why it’s a wish). My goal as a parent is to raise children who are not just resilient but who are capable of finding happiness on their own. I want them to know that sometimes their feelings can be scattered about, like the clouds, sometimes things will be hard, sometimes life will seem cruel or unfair— but their happiness is never out of reach, as it comes from within. What better lesson can we pass down to our children than teaching them how to be happy no matter where life leads them? Let’s make happiness a habit and let’s start with ourselves, as the best possible example for our little ones.