Growing into the New Year
With hope in our hearts and champagne in our hands, we watched as the NYE ball dropped at Times Square. While counting down the last few seconds of 2020, I can’t recall another time in my life where I have felt more enthusiastic to be entering a new year. I am not going to lie, 2020 wasn’t all doom and gloom for me and my family (thankfully), there were certainly some hard and challenging times but there were also plenty of silver linings woven throughout the past year.
Rather than feeling bitter or burnt out, I find myself feeling grateful for everything 2020 did for me—the lessons it taught me and the things I already knew but needed a gentle reminder on. For me, my sense of readiness for a fresh start stems from my eagerness to take the lessons of 2020 and hit the ground running into 2021– as a better, more aware and more forgiving version of myself.
Sitting in my family room to gather my thoughts and get back to writing (now that winter break has ended and my boys are back in school) I stare at the two book shelves that border our fireplace. The shelves are cluttered with stuff---books I have yet to read, picture frames I have yet to fill, fake plants I have yet to water because well, they aren’t real. What is all of this? None of this resembles me or my family. I take it all down and stare at the empty white shelves for a while and then come up with a better plan.
One wonderful way to lose hours of your life is by scrolling through social media, many of us are guilty of this. Leading up to the new year I fell down the rabbit hole of Instagram and stumbled upon a word search of sorts. It said the first 4 words that I saw would be my “focus” for 2021. I was intrigued and of course, did the search. The first four words to pop out at me were: Love, Purpose, Gratitude and Alignment. Quite fitting I thought.
With 2020 now under my belt, I have one more word to add to the mix. I have learned that this one word makes it possible to keep the other four words in focus—BOUNDARIES.
As a woman I feel like we are taught very little about setting boundaries for ourselves. From a young age we are, generally speaking here, taught to act a certain way- to be polite, to have good manners, to make those around us feel comfortable and to smile. Smile, even if you’re unhappy, smile or else people will think terrible things of you. We are taught that being “selfless” is a badge of honor. That putting everyone else’s needs and desires ahead of your own is somehow fulfilling and should be enough for us. In short, we are programmed to be what the world wants us to be. It’s VERY hard to snap out of this cycle and way of thinking because we are raised to not just accept it but to eventually believe that “this is me”. This must be who I am. This must be what I like. This must be is what I wanted. This all of me, and I am grateful. I don’t need anything else. Until one day you do.
The thing with not having any set boundaries for yourself is that people will think it’s okay to take advantage of you and monopolize your time. When I was working 8-hour days in inside pharmaceutical sales I would put my customer’s needs first. After all, the customer is always right- right? I would become a chameleon for them—if they loved football, I loved football. They wanted to share photos of their Rottweiler I would send them photos of my yellow Lab. If they preferred email- I would email them. If they preferred texting, I would contact them over text. If they wanted to talk for hours upon hours on the phone, I would humor them and allow them to stay on the line with me well past my regular business hours. My boss’s opinions would override my own. Gaining my coworker’s approval consumed my thoughts and getting everyone to like me dictated my actions.
Then when I became a mom, I immediately shifted my thoughts from “working Susie” to “mommy Susie”. Suddenly my thoughts were all about my baby. Their needs always came before my own, even before they were born. While pregnant I gave up drinking alcohol and coffee overnight, I changed my diet, my habits, the way I would sleep, the exercises I could do, etc. People stopped asking me how I was doing and instead would ask me how the baby was. By the time my baby was born my body was already accustomed to being sleep deprived. I nursed, I pumped, I pumped and I dumped, I swaddled and did the 5S’s for attachment parenting and then rocked them to sleep, and then let them cry it out when trying to sleep train them, and then went back to rocking them when that didn’t work, until I felt like a walking zombie. Just going through the motions, barely alive, barely recognizable, hanging on by a string in those early months of each of their lives. No boundaries.
As my children got older, I came into my own more and I started to feel like myself again. I had more time apart from them which was the healthiest thing for everyone. But they still always came first and consumed my thoughts. If I had to put it in pecking order it would be, the kids came first, my husband came second, my work came third and I came last, always. I would catch myself saying things like, “if the kids are happy, I’m happy”. But what does that even mean? Where did Susie go—not “working Susie” or “mommy Susie” or even “wife Susie”, but just me? At what point did I sell myself out and put all of my needs and interests on the backburner?
2020 taught me that having boundaries is the key to being our best selves. Boundaries allow us to love correctly. Boundaries allow us to live with purpose. Boundaries allow us to experience immense gratitude. And boundaries are the guardrails that help us achieve alignment so that we can keep our priorities in check and at the forefront of our every day. This is my 2021 focus—thank you Instagram!
Forget the cluttered book shelves of crap--when your life no longer resembles you, and you feel an aching from within—a longing—a whisper that tells you “get out, this isn’t where you should be. You were made to do more than this and be more than this”— that is when you need to dive in and set some boundaries for yourself. The people who love you will respect these new boundaries. And more importantly you will learn to love you more because of these boundaries.
Here is what 2020 did for me: It taught me that I don’t need to explain myself, to anyone. That it’s okay to say no. And that saying no is not me being rude- it’s me being real and honoring myself. I learned that I don’t need to be liked by everyone. It taught me to prioritize what actually matters. It taught me to be unapologetic and unwavering with my goals. It taught me that less is more, and not just with material things, but with people too. It taught me that silence is necessary sometimes and that stillness can heal. That it’s brave to forgive and move on. And it’s brave to forgive and let them back in. It highlighted for me those that I can sometimes take for granted and it forced me to repair those relationships. And it shined a light on relationships I have been holding onto that need to be released. More than anything 2020 reinforced my deep love and appreciation for my family, my circle and my home.
It reminded me that boredom only happens if you lack a creative mind. It reminded me of what I really enjoy doing, and eliminated all excuses so that I could no longer procrastinate doing them. It reminded me of how much I enjoy the company of myself. It reiterated for me that there is absolutely nothing selfish about self-care and that mental health is equally important to our physical wellbeing. It reminded me that it’s okay to change my mind, again and again.
It reminded me that we are all connected and that we are never truly alone. It reminded me that being vulnerable is a gift, not a weakness. That it’s healthy to feel all of our feelings and to let them all out. It reminded me that you don’t need to do anything or be anywhere until you feel ready to. That we are only as busy as we choose to be. That this isn’t a race. That it’s good to slow down and even step on the brakes sometimes. That it’s okay to say I don’t know. That it’s important to say sorry, to others and to yourself. That it is important to only say what you mean and mean what you say. That very few things are actually in our control. That life is terribly fragile. And that it’s perfectly fine to feel two opposite feelings at the same time.
Going into 2021 I will listen to myself more, even if my voice is just a faint whisper. I promise to not just listen but to trust what I hear. I will look at my phone less and deep into my children’s and husbands’ eyes more. I will focus on real connection with the ones I choose to love. I will work on being as present and in the moment as I possibly can. I will do my best each day. I will commit to less plans and obligations and will keep more promises to myself and to my family. I will grow plants- ones that require watering. I forgot that that’s one of the things I love most.
Today I rearranged things in my house. Planted new plants. Arranged flowers into vases. Framed family photos. It felt amazing. I gave away things that were just filling in spaces and I gathered items that are of meaning and filled our shelves back up. It was a good, much needed cleanse, a fresh start. That’s my focus for 2021, filling my days with meaning—not stuff— and setting healthy boundaries so that I can surround myself with beauty. The beauty of the people I love and that love me back, the beauty of the plants that I enjoy caring for and watching grow, the beauty of my doggie Gator who brings so much joy into our lives and the beauty of books that inspire me to live with purpose and truth. Cheers to the new year! May you find your focus and hit the ground running too!
Found this old photo of Conner and Hudson and I’ll definitely be framing it.