Good Losers

On Saturday November 7th, 2020, four days after election day, it was finally announced that Joe Biden was elected the 46th president of the United States, along with Kamala Harris the first woman AND woman of color to be our newly elected Vice President. While many of us celebrated this victory and historic moment, many Americans felt upset and defeated.

As they say—life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you chose to react to it. If Trump decided to concede and end this on-going shit show that he is causing by refusing to accept his loss, he COULD have gone out on a better note. IF he shook hands with his opponent and looked him in the eyes and wished him well, WE as a country would have watched and many of us might have thought—even if just for a brief fleeting moment—wow he is capable of being decent and respectful to others, even in difficult times when he feels down and defeated. Instead, we continue to watch him pout and fight and basically have an adult temper tantrum. And sadly, he will be remembered by many as going out with a bang--looking and acting like a loser.

There is a lesson in this.

My two sons, who are 6 and 8 years old have been following this election on the news and we even allowed them to watch most of the debates and townhalls. While most of the topics that were covered went over their heads, my son Conner asked wonderful questions throughout the debates (while my recently turned 6-year-old Hudson lost interest, like many frustrated Americans, and walked out of the room after just a few minutes). Some of Conner’s questions/observations were, “Why do they keep interrupting each other? Why doesn’t Trump listen to what Biden is saying back to him? Why is Trump being so rude to the moderator?” See, take away the fact that he is the current president of our country—our children hold him to higher standards just for the simple fact that he is a grownup…and as a grownup he should know better. He should act better. Children pick up on these things.

Above everything else, I want to raise my boys in a way that highlights and encourages kindness and integrity. I want them to work hard and TRY hard in everything they do. There is no talk of “I can’t” or “I’m not good at this or that” …we are all capable in my house. When my sons were little and just learning how to put on their shoes they would often beg me to help them, “mom can you do it for me, I can’t put my shoes on”—until finally one day I decided to stop helping and I grabbed the nearest iPad and pulled up a YouTube video of a man who had no arms and showed them how he managed to put both of his shoes on, and quite quickly might I add. Sometimes visuals help! My boys both now know that when they ask me to do certain things for them, like refill their water cups for example, that unless I am standing right by the fridge when the question is asked my answer will most likely be, “do it yourself”. When either child makes statements, implying that that they aren’t good at something, whether it is math or soccer or simply putting the toilet seat back down—they now know that I will never accept that type of talk. “You can be good at everything if you just apply yourself!” —and time and time again they see and they learn that they CAN do whatever it is that they set their minds to.

When playing sports and when watching sports as a family I always point out two things to Conner and Hudson—the celebrating of the team who won—and (whenever possible) I also praise the team who lost for holding their heads up high and saying “good game” to the winning team. Likewise, when the losing team doesn’t act in a sportsman-like manner my husband and I both point out to our boys how disappointing and unacceptable that behavior is. As much as I want my boys to win and delight in that winning feeling—I also want them to feel loss and that sting of defeat. And not just to feel it but to accept it as part of the process. The process of becoming their best selves, both on and off the court/field. To know that every single winner got to that winning moment by losing over and over again and by never giving up. I want to raise them to be good winners AND good losers. There is a magic in both.

Good game!!

Joe and I we were raised quite differently and not just for the obvious stand out reasons—like that his family is Jewish and mine is Catholic, his is liberal and mine is conservative--but for the purposes of this blog--Joe was raised in a sports-loving family where he started playing sports from a very young age and also was taken to countless football, baseball and basketball games, and I was not. I was raised by parents who were never that into sports. Growing up in my family, there was no allegiance to any particular college football team, there were no Sunday football viewing parties or little league tryouts. Of course, my family could appreciate a good Miami Heat basketball game here and there, who doesn’t—but it definitely wasn’t the culture of my household. My sister broke the mold and loved basketball early on. After school every day from the time she was maybe 11 years old through her senior year of high school, she would be on the basketball court at school shooting hoops with her mostly male friends. My after-school activities consisted of girl scouts, dance classes and riding bikes with friends. I had zero interest in playing sports and my parents were totally okay with that.

If you score the winning shot or if you sit on the bench and cheer on your teammates- you make me just as proud!

It wasn’t until I became an adult and started working in the corporate world that I regretted never playing on a team. I was one of the top pharmaceutical sales reps at Cardinal Health and yet I felt isolated and miserable. We had a sales dashboard that I would log into daily to see my ranking and if I wasn’t in first place I would instantly be in the worst mood and would beat myself up about it. I hadn’t learned how to handle competition and now looking back at my childhood I can see why. Whenever things got hard or competitive, I would bail. No one forced me to tough it out and push though it.

On Monday November 9th a wonderful memory popped up on my Facebook account that I had forgotten about. It was from 4 years ago when I got the news that the candidate I voted for, Hillary Clinton, had in fact lost to Donald Trump. Unlike my former pharmaceutical sales rep sore loser-self, I am proud to say that I held my head high and was a good sport about the loss. Here’s what my post from four years ago said:

To my two sons,
Today is a big day. More than half the country will be celebrating today (well make that more than half of the voting population at least). Let them celebrate. The rest of us will feel defeated because who we wanted for our next president lost. This happens. We can't always win. We can't always get what we want. We did our part and voted for who we felt was the best, most qualified candidate and in the end someone else won. This happens. Sometimes the school bully becomes the class president. Sometimes the racist becomes your boss. Sometimes the sexist man becomes your neighbor. It happens more than you think. The key is to learn from it, recognize the negative behavior and don't aspire to be anything like it. Respect your leaders and higher ups but at the same time know that it's totally fine to have a difference of opinion and of values. At the end of the day know that I love you and that I will protect you and keep you safe no matter what. And if you want to be like anyone be like daddy and not like Donald. That's all. 

Fast forward to today—I am on the flipside of it this time around, as the ticket I supported and voted for won. But for those reading this who feel defeated and upset—I hope you find the strength to shine. I hope you choose to react with kindness and integrity. I hope you hold your head high and give your family, friends and colleagues who voted for Biden/Harris a handshake on the sidelines and wish only the best for our newly elected president and vice president. I hope you give our new leadership a chance, as I did 4 years ago, when I was in your shoes. I hope we all learn to listen to one another and embrace change. And I hope we can learn to grow together as a nation of “good-sports” who celebrate our diversity, support one another and realize that we are all in fact on the same team. We can do this. Our children are watching and taking notes. There is no room for “I can’t”.

Holding up their 2020 vision boards and feeling hopeful for our future…