Getting Through It
They say children are resilient. Children can change and learn to adapt much easier than us adults. They are far more malleable and less crippled by fear. They can break bones and not even realize it. Their cuts can heal almost miraculously, often without any scar left behind. What else is true is that children are amazing actors. They can hide their feelings in an effort to appease adults and fool their peers. This is especially true when it comes to loss and grieving. While it is known that grieving is a process that naturally everyone goes through when losing a loved one and that extends far beyond the funeral we often, without even realizing it, give very little leeway to grieving children. We want so badly for them to miraculously heal overnight--to bounce back and return to the way they were before they suffered the loss. We want this so badly that we are quick to believe what we see rather than question what’s going on under the surface, in their little hearts and minds.
I remember returning to my fourth-grade class not even a week after my mom’s funeral. I remember my classmates greeting me with hugs and presenting me with a pillowcase they had made for me, filled with drawings and messages of their condolences. It included sayings like “don’t worry be happy”, “this too shall pass”, “everything happens for a reason” and “only the good die young”. It was done with the best of intentions but poorly executed. I remember being so “strong” on the outside with a permanent smile on my face and jumping back into my role of being the classroom comedian with my friend Dede who was known as my “giggle twin”. I would go about each school day the way I did while my mom was alive. I gave everyone (my own family included) what they wanted to see: a happy ten-year-old girl. I chose to be this way because I didn’t want anyone’s pity and I didn’t want anyone to make me feel uncomfortable by treating me any differently. I also didn’t want to make my dad more sad by seeing me sad, So I tucked away my sadness during the day and let is out at night right before falling asleep.
It’s been over a year now that COVID-19 has been a part of our lives and we seem to finally be turning the corner as we slowly revert back to things we enjoyed in our pre-pandemic days. I recently received an email from an organization that my family has come to be involved with, it’s called Experience Camps. Experience Camps is a national, no-cost program that pays for and provides a one-of-a-kind, one-week sleepaway camp for children who are grieving the loss of a parent, sibling or primary caregiver. In the email they spoke a lot about the pandemic and wrote, “Experts estimate that every person who dies from COVID-19 leaves behind nine bereaved loved ones, meaning an additional 4.5 million people who are grieving a death right now. Of them approximately 1.1 million of them are children.” This email got me thinking about my early experiences with death as a little girl.
“It felt like my little world was caving in as this pattern of loss and grief was overwhelming. I started to think about things differently…instead of having thoughts of “oh that could never happen to me” I would think “why shouldn’t it happen to me; I am no more precious than any other person. I don’t have the right to live more than anyone else does.” ”
If everyone had their pick, I’d bet that most parents would prefer that their child’s first experience of loss be the death of their goldfish rather than the death of a close family member or friend. For me, I did lose Larry, my goldfish, around maybe 9 years of age, followed by my mom’s death a year later, followed by my grandmother’s death about three years after that and my grandfather’s two years after that. Losing three extremely close family members within a 6-year time period weighed heavily on me. I remember thinking at the time, “who will be next?”. It felt like my little world was caving in as this pattern of loss and grief was overwhelming. I started to think about things differently…instead of having thoughts of “oh that could never happen to me” I would think “why shouldn’t it happen to me; I am no more precious than any other person. I don’t have the right to live more than anyone else does.” Heavy thoughts for a child of any age. And that’s around when I traded in my childhood fearlessness for caution, knowing that each day isn’t promised to us. It was a tough lesson to learn early on but it actually led to an abundance of gratitude for my life and a deeper appreciation for everyone in it.
Here are a few things you can do to help a grieving child:
1. Be Honest And Clear With Your Message: Adults tend to sugarcoat things when it comes to their children, in an effort to shelter them or protect them. We find ourselves saying things like, “grandpa went to heaven” or “mommy passed away”. This is very abstract to a young child; they need to be told clearly that the person died. They need to understand the finality of death and that the person will not be coming back. You can provide the essential facts about why/how they died without getting too in depth. There are many sites online to help you navigate the best way to communicate this with your child, that’s age appropriate. Allow your child to ask you questions, and not just as a one time talk but rather an on-going conversation about life and loss. My mom did a great job at preparing my older sister and me for her death. She knew she was dying and she sat us down one day (maybe a day or two before she took her final breaths) and told us goodbye as best she could and welcomed questions from us both. We all cried hard, we hugged tight and we gave kisses and hand squeezes. I don’t recall all that was said but I do remember asking her what a dead person looks like, such a typical ten-year-old question! My mom explained to me that when someone dies, their skin might look pale and it will feel cold to the touch. She also explained to us that when she died her best friend Harriet would be there to help us out, in addition to our grandparents and of course our dad. She had it all planned out for us, like the way I would make arrangements for my children when leaving for a work trip. She thought it all out so that she could go in peace with her little ducks in a row. Thinking about having to have a conversation like this with my two children brings me to tears. I don’t know how she found the strength to do it but I’m forever grateful to her for it. The ability to lay it all out for us so nothing was left unsaid or unknown was such a gift and it certainly provided us all with a better sense of closure.
2. Be There For Them: A big misperception about childhood grief is that just because a child seems okay on the outside, they must feel okay on the inside. As I mentioned earlier children will often hide their emotions and can be quite convincing at it. Trust that even if they “seem okay” following the loss of a loved one, they are certainly feeling something and still need your love and attention and possibly professional help to navigate their feelings and best cope. Unaddressed childhood grief can often lead to mental health struggles, academic decline, substance abuse, and even premature death. Harriet (my mom’s friend) was extremely helpful to my family in those first few months after our mom died. She was warm and nurturing and present. She was with me and my sister every day after school while our dad worked. She made it safe for me to talk about my mom, some times without even talking about her directly. Sometimes we would be driving in her car together and a song like “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston would come on and Harriet would just look over and see the sadness in my eyes, knowing I was missing my mom and thinking of her in that moment. Without a word she would reach over and hold my hand in hers. That’s all I really needed at the time.
3. Show Compassion To Your Child AND To Yourself: I wasn’t the only one suffering a loss when my mom died. My dad was grieving too. My sister was grieving too. My extended family members and friends were grieving too. The teachers at my school (who all knew my mom because she worked there) were grieving too. My friends and their parents who loved my mom dearly were grieving to. Everyone was doing their best. The thing is most people aren’t going to say the right things to those who are grieving a significant loss (like the well-intended pillowcase of messages). The best thing anyone can do for anyone who is grieving (of any age) is to just be there beside them through it. Give them your presence and your time. Give them space if they want space and hug them close if they wish to be held. Take their cues. There are so many waves of emotion, some days will feel perfectly fine and back on track and others will be rough for both you and for your child. That’s okay, just ride those waves together. If some days you’re too tired or too distraught to deal, phone a friend. Find a “Harriet” for your child, another adult who loves them and can help support them in this journey when you’re unable to. The responsibility for helping your child grieve doesn’t all fall onto you, takes a village.
4. Listen To Your Child: We need to create a safe space for our children so they know that whenever they are ready and wanting to speak that we are here to listen. No judging, no correcting, no censoring-- just listening. Allow them to feel all of their feelings and to express them. Sometimes it helps to get their energy/feelings out with physical activities like throwing a game of catch or even just throwing a ball against a cement wall, and sometimes it helps to encourage their words. Words don’t even necessarily need to be shared out loud, perhaps your child would rather write them in a journal of their own. Accept all of it--it’s okay for them to be angry or sad or confused or in disbelief. Validate those feelings for them, even if its hard to do. They might even be angry with you for a while or angry at the person who died for leaving them, but this is all a part of the grieving process and they need to know it’s important to feel it all and express it all in healthy/unharmful ways. I remember my family put a lot of stress on being “strong” and not crying, so I learned to cry privately in my bedroom. It doesn’t need to be this way. It’s so important to know that there is no one right or “normal” way to for your child to experience grief and there is no one right way for you to offer your support. Go for a long drive together. Go on a walk together. Do an activity together. Often times children are more inclined to open up to you if they are in the process of moving or doing or creating, and not sitting idle in a formal setting. You know your child and their needs best.
Last little trip with my mom and her cousin Karen (whom I write about often). This was the summer of 1992, my mom passed away that November. The two little cuties behind them are my sister and me (I’m the one with the piggy tails).
5. It’s Okay To Show Your Emotions Too: As I mentioned before parents tend to sugarcoat things for their children, we glaze over uncomfortable topics, we cover their eyes to protect them from seeing things we feel they are too innocent to be seeing, we encourage smiles and laughter and try to avoid tears and sorrow. We feel it’s our job as parents to shelter them, to make things easier for them, smoother for them-- but when we lose someone close to us, we ALL hurt and we should ALL feel safe showing that we are in fact hurting. While crying was discouraged in my household as a child, I embrace it in my current household with my own children. In my house crying isn’t a sign of weakness nor is it something to hide or be ashamed of. We cry for many reasons and all are valid. We cry when we are extremely happy, we cry when we are extremely sad, we cry when we are remorseful, we cry when we get hurt, we cry when we are overly tired and frustrated, etc. It is actually good for children to see their parents cry from time to time. They should know that all people cry sometimes—we are human!
6. Reminisce About Those You Lost: Just because someone is no longer “with us” doesn’t mean we should pretend like they never were. I remember feeling like my mom (the center of my universe) was quickly being erased after her death. It wasn’t long after her funeral that all of her photos were taken down in our house. All of her belongings were given away. We had the house remodeled and it was only a few months later that my dad started to date because we “needed a mother”, in the words of my grandmother. There is so much healing in being able to talk openly about those we miss. It took my dad years to bring up little memories of my mom with me, or to compare things I say or do or faces I make to my mom. Those are the things I needed to hear; those are the things I longed for and treasure to this day, but again he was grieving too and perhaps wasn’t ready himself to go there with me…that’s okay too. The reminiscing doesn’t need to just be with immediately family members who are in the trenches with you. They will come around in time. If you know someone who has lost someone, reach out to them and share with them your fond memories of that person. Let them know that you’re missing them too. Trust me, whenever I run into someone who knew my mom and they take a moment to share a story about her with me it means more to me than they will ever know.
7. Try To Find A Sounding Board For Your Child: Children some times open up more when they feel like they are not alone or not an “other”. I some times felt like an “other” because all of my close friends still had their moms alive and healthy. Throughout my life any time I meet someone and come to find that they too lost their mom or dad I instantly want to open up to them, because they can truly relate. In addition to friends, my sister and I were each other’s sounding boards since the beginning. Over the past 28 years of being “mother-less” together we turn to each other to share our thoughts and our feelings and our memories of our mom all the time. We are ones who call or text each other for every missed birthday and on the anniversary of her death each year. Although we were both so close to our mom and only two years apart in age from each other (I was 10 and she was 12 when we lost our mom) we also realize that our grieving processes and memories differ a bit from each other, and that’s okay too. It is all so individualized. I would have loved having an outlet like Experience Camps back in 1992. I feel like surrounding your child with peers who can relate and adult counselors who are well trained in the subject matter is the ideal recipe for healthy healing.
8. Know That There Is No Quick-Fix To Grieving: People are sometimes taken back by how much I miss my mom after all of these years or they are surprised by how vivid some of my memories of her are, especially because I generally have a pretty poor memory, but I think this is all a reflection of just how impactful my ten years with her were and it’s a testament to our bond and our love for each other. It also goes to show that I am still grieving 28 years later. Greif is something we learn to live with--you don’t get over it, you get through it.
9. Grieving With COVID Restrictions: Due to COVID, many are unable to say their final goodbyes to their loved ones in person. Many are unable to have in-person funerals or other rituals that are designed to help grievers mourn in a community fashion. It can be helpful to find alternate ways to come together to say farewell and to commemorate the person who died. Families can conduct a ritual or ceremony with multiple in-person gatherings or entirely virtually. It isn’t the same as what it “should be” but it is so important to connect in some form when suffering a loss. Often people will say they feel bad about missing the funeral of a loved one. I totally get that but what I find it to be even more meaningful for the person who is mourning is to have family/friends reach out after the fact, days or even weeks after the funeral to check in on them. There is a lot of hype and commotion with funerals and gatherings of any kind, and after the dust settles and everyone returns to their daily lives that’s when the reality of the loss often sets in, and that’s when those who are mourning can start to feel all alone.
10. Make New Memories Together: One of my best summer vacations was the one we took as a family of 3, the summer after my mom died. My dad planned a beautiful trip to Wyoming to be outdoors and explore together and it was just what the doctor ordered-- we laughed, we bonded, we made new memories, including the mouse that was found burrowed into a tiny hole at the bottom of my mattress! We were roughing it alright! Just because you’re grieving doesn’t mean you need to put your life on hold. I appreciate that my dad kept things as “normal” as he could for us. I’ll also never forget the girl scout camping trip I had that year in the Keys. For the first time ever our troupe leaders allowed dads to chaperone (sensitive to our situation). So my dad, Carlos, along with Howie and Manny lead us on our camping trip. There were definitely rules that were broken that weekend—a portable TV in their tent along with cans of beer, but it also made for amazing, laughable memories!
I took this photo of my younger son, Hudson, maybe 3 years ago. Every year on my mom’s birthday we take some time out of our day to remember our grandma Linda and to celebrate the life she had. We sing happy birthday to her and we all help blow out the candles. I also take out photos of her and put them out on display. He held this one of me and her and stared at it for a while, fascinated by our resemblance and also by how young I was in the photo. It is pretty crazy for me now, as a mom, to see with my two sons just how young I was when my mom was still alive. Conner will be 9 next September and I have a new appreciation for just how much love exists between a mother and her children no matter the ages!
Last little take away is the one I believe in the most and that’s that death ends a life but not a relationship. Just because your loved one isn’t physically here anymore—doesn’t mean that they aren’t very much still with you in spirit. I believe that my mom is with me every single day and that she is with my children more than any living grandparent could possibly be. I know it isn’t the same. I know we would rather them be here in the flesh with us, but having your child know that they can still talk to the loved one they are missing and feel their presence is a gift. We think of my mom, their grandma Linda with every orange butterfly we see. My boys bring up my mom a lot—almost as much as they do any other living-grandparent. Just last night Conner told me that in school they are learning about traits and how we get traits from each parent—he then asked me to tell him what I get from my mom and what I get from my dad. He then asked what I think he gets from me and what he gets from Joe. At the end of the conversation he turned to me and said, “wow you do sound a lot like your mom”. To which I said, “yes, she’s forever a part of me, and of you. She lives on through us”.